Friday, December 22, 2006

Wedding Make-Up: Pastors Can Help!

What a dreary day this has been! Allow PeaceBang to rant just a wee bit, won't you? I know you will, because you're kind and forebearing and beautiful people, and you also have the benefit of a scroll arrow to skip the dull bits.

It has been a month of Things Breaking. First, the water heater broke and flooded the basement right after Thanksgiving.
Then, the boiler started cacking out on a regular basis, leaving PeaceBang chilly and sore-throated with a fine dusting of frost on her hair in the mornings. The plummer has become her new best friend.
Then her computer had a tragic breakage and had to be resurrected by a technician who came to the house not once but TWICE. All in the past week.

Not only does Christmas Eve loom large and homily-less as of yet (not unusual or alarming), PeaceBang still has exams and papers hanging over her head due to aforementioned loss of computer hard drive. She feels scratchy-eyed just thinking about it, and keeps making fitful, non-productive starts on everything. Her working rhythm is just OFF. She wants to curl up with a spiked eggnog and read short stories by Dorothy Parker.

The heater went out again today and PeaceBang was just one minute from throwing some clean clothes in the car and driving to Florida with stops only for gas, Glaceau Energy Water and Smart Food (whose genius idea was it to name white cheddar popcorn "Smart Food," anyway? They have totally suckered PeaceBang into thinking of it as a highly nutritious snack just one notch beneath carrot sticks).

So PeaceBang is not having a very good day, really, and she is very crusty and cranky and wrapped in a big shawl and wishing the Sushi Fairy would come bring her dinner tonight because all she has in the fridge is cheese and more cheese for Christmas Day fondue.

She has some calls to return and some creative work to do but she couldn't help but be grateful for a writer from Pomona, California who wrote her off-line to inquire about MAKE-UP FOR BRIDES.

So this is for you, Hilary, with love from PeaceBang.


1. Make sure you look like yourself on your wedding day, only more polished and camera-ready.

2. Do not get a French manicure on your toenails. This is just the most gauche thing PeaceBang has ever seen. On your fingernails, fine. On your toesies, any of the lovely O.P.I. neutrals will do nicely.

3. Do NOT put yourself into the hands of a professional make-up artist on this important day until and unless you have seen EXACTLY what they intend to do to your face.

PeaceBang has been so horrified by the bad work done by professional make-up artists that she has taken to carrying a special make-up kit to church so she can fix the egregious errors committed by make-up artists in the name of "The Natural Look." Those errors are, in no particular order,

A. Using such a dark base or so much bronzer that the bride and her attendants look orange.
B. Failing to use any blush, so that the bride's face looks so bland and flat in photos her groom/life partner is forced to ask, "whither my beloved's bone structure?"
C. Using a nectar-colored gooey lip gloss that makes the bride look like The Lipless Wonder from afar.
D. Teasing the hair so high it causes a river of hair spray to run into the bride's eyes at the reception later as she gets sweaty dancing.

PeaceBang's fix:
(1) I carry a clean white washcloth with me to buff off most of the orange bronzer, and (2) apply a sheer pink blush to the apples of the cheeks. Voila! Bone structure! (3) I line the bride's lips with a neutral, rosy color and fill the lips in with the same liner, asking her to smudge her lips together to distribute the color, (4) top with a shiny gloss, and blot.

(5) I line the eyes with a very subtle brown liner simply to create definition for photos, and blend, blend, blend. (6) I carefully wipe off almost all the bizarre glamour-shadow caked on the bride's eyelids and lightly brush an illuminating powder all over the lid and up to the brow, adding just a bit of the same powder to the top of the cheekbone.

It all takes five minutes, bonds me with the bride, and guarantees much, much more beautiful photos. I do the same fix for any bridesmaids who request it, and do zit-coverage for any of the men in the party (some of whom also benefit from a bit of creamy cover-up under the eyes and a shot of Visine, and the slightest brushing of bronzer).

Most ministers would not want to do this. PeaceBang has actually found it to be a very fun thing to do on occasion -- but ONLY IF ASKED, which usually happens when you walk in, take a look at the bride and say, "Wow! You got all done up! How do you like it!?" When she wails, "I don't know! I think I look like an oompa-loompa!" you've got your opening. You say, "Sweetie, you're gorgeous, but I'm afraid we won't be able to see your features very well in photos. Want me to do some of my special wedding make-up fixes on you?" When she says, "Oh, thank God!" you whip out your make-up case, throw a towel around her front to protect the dress, and do your magic.

So Hilary, my porcelain-complected bride, let those freckles be there, wear that hair in some style that doesn't require gallons of shellac, line your lips with a neutral color and top with a nice gloss, and find a very sheer, very pinky-peach blush (a creme would do well for you, I think) for the apples of your cheeks. Revlon Skin Brightening powder dusted lightly over your decollete and cheekbones should be lovely, and an eyelash curler and waterproof brown mascara will keep your lashes visible and unsmeared by tears of joy.

We wish you every happiness.



Blogger Reverend Ref + said...

You do NOT want me anywhere near a bride with a makeup kit in my hands. Incredibly fantastic pancake art is one thing ... touch-up work on the bride's face ... not so much.

I might, however, be able to convince my wedding coordinator to start carrying an emergency makeup kit.

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Nita said...

Hair Extensions is another way to look stunning and change your looks for that special occassion.

10:02 AM  
Blogger LaReinaCobre said...

Oh boy, you aren't lying when you talk about wedding make up that makes the bride look like two a dimensional fem-bot. It's as if the goal is to make a person look airbrushed in person, which is hardly natural! (It doesn't even look natural in photographs!)

2:23 PM  
Blogger jean said...

Things have GOT to get better for you. Lord God Immanuel, Prince of Peace, give PeaceBang a break from all this chaos! So be it.

5:53 PM  

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