Thursday, April 26, 2007

The First Commandment Of Sandals

Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

Edie Falco is a really terrific actress, but oy vey, this schmatta has got to go.

Doesn't this sort of look like something you or I might wear to a funeral? I think it might be okay at a funeral, but not at the opening of a film festival. Not that any of us are going to openings of film festivals, I'm just sayin'. That little kick of flamenco dancer frill at the hem just doesn't redeem it.

Let's discuss the other fashion problems here. First, if we're going to wear an entirely sombre black dress, let's not throw some itsy-bitsy little necklace on and call that accessorizing. ESPECIALLY if we're going to be speaking in public. With something this austere, you want a bolder statement, methinks.

The hem is a universally unflattering length, but she could have made it less so by not breaking up her leg with those thick sandal straps. And she needs pantyhose or something to help with the pasty leg situation. Do you see how your eye moves down from the smooth line of black and then it's like three big chunks of white? Worst of all, it distracts from her face. She's also not wearing enough make-up to compete with the black, and she looks extremely washed out. So much to learn here! We love you, Edie! But you need some rouge!

All of that aside, THE SHOES DON'T FIT.

Now usually, the sin with sandals is when we get into the Toe-Overhang or the Heel Overhang -- both mortal sins that I'm SURE earns one time in Fashion Hell. PeaceBang has extremely short toes and often has to contend with her pinky toe slipping through the strap on sandals she's trying on and LOVES, but has to put sadly away until the day that plastic surgeons develop toe-elongation cosmetic enhancement. Her stubby toes are a serious impediment to fitting sandals well, so she feels the pain of those who suffer the same malady.
However, we must be strong. No matter how much we LOVE the sandal, we should not BUY and WEAR the sandal if it doesn't FIT.

Too small is just awful. Too big isn't much better, as you can see here.

I saw a photo of Beyonce Knowles the other day dancing her pants off in a pair of 4" heels, and those heels were a full two sizes too big. I could only imagine that the lovely Ms. Knowles shot that photo and fell forthwith on her keister.

The point, as always, is about not unintentionally upstaging ourselves so that when we're being present in ministry or wherever, people aren't sneaking surreptitious glances at our feet and thinking, "God god awmighty, look at those toes hanging out all over the floor. I hope she doesn't break one."

"Thy sandals shall fit thy feets," saith the LORD.


Blogger PeaceBang said...

I should clarify that although the hem is an unflattering length, it's a length many of us wear frequently because the alternative might be too long or too short.

Ya do what you gotta do!

5:45 PM  
Blogger Caroline Divine said...

Actually, Coco Chanel said the perfect length is just below the knee (she thought knees were ugly and best hidden) -- it's mid-calf that's horrid.

Agree with you on Ms. Edie. A big chunky silver necklace and matching earrings would have done wonders, or a bright silk something around the neck. And the sandals with that dress! OY!

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sad to report that there actually are "toe shortening" surgeries so that women can wear the really high end heels - maybe you could get a phalanges donation from someone having their toes shortened?

11:42 PM  
Blogger PeaceBang said...

Elastigirl, yikes! But I'm not a bit surprised.

3:41 PM  

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