Saturday, July 08, 2006

Booty Floods

Let's talk about a pants situation PeaceBang has observed among her colleagues of late. It's called Booty Floods. Booty Floods is an unfortunate sartorial situation that arises when men and women with abundant posterior regions hike their pants up to mid-torso, belt them there (or just rely on large mid-sections to keep them there) and then forget that they're cheating their ankles of appropriate coverage.

Ladies and gentlemen, and particularly gentlemen, when you shop for pants, do check the fit. I don't mean pull them up and shuck them off as soon as you manage to zip the zipper. Put them on, zip the zipper and check the seat. Sit down in them. Lean forward in them. If you find yourself hiking them up mid-belly, get the salesman (or better yet, the tailor) in there pronto and make sure you've got the right size on.

Women's trousers come in such a bewildering array of lengths and styles -- capris, gauchos, flares, bootcut, palazzo, etc. -- we can wear almost any length of pants and get away with it. I'm not saying look good in them, I'm saying get away with it. Sorry fellas, but you can't. We shouldn't be able to see 2" of your socks as you walk down the hall. We especially shouldn't see your WHITE GYM socks under your nice trousers, because what are you doing wearing WHITE GYM SOCKS?

Baby, if you got back (or front), make sure your pants are long enough in the leg to compensate.

Ladies of extravagant size, please look at yourself in the mirror in your pants. Sit. Do they grab at chubby inner thighs? Do they pull at the crotch and at the lower abdomen? When you walk, do you hear strains of the "Shaft" theme song chucka-chucking in rhythm with your visibly vibrating thighs? Consider SPANX or other gently (or not so gently) slimming undergarments (control top pantyhose will do in a pinch). Go up a size and have your pants hemmed if you need to. Better yet, boycott buying slacks at all in protest of the fugly styles they inflict on us. Stick with beautifully tailored, flattering skirts. When and if you find a style of trousers that fits you well and looks good on you, get two or three pairs. I am NOT KIDDING.

I am a Fat Accepting American, and I do not wish to demonize any of us chubby folks out there. However, despite the natural beauty of our nekkid selves before God, there is something inherently unpolished about allowing all our wiggly bits to wobble about unconstrained. I'm sorry about it, too. Believe me, as one who has both inherited and eaten her way to a beautifully rotund figure full of wobbly bits, PeaceBang is VERY sorry about this, and intends to retire to a remote island in Mexico where she will never have to wear constraining undergarments ever again. Until that blessed day, however, she does not want any aspects of her physique to upstage her smile or to distract from her religious leadership. She therefore owns an entire arsenal of Helpful Underthings and is an obsessive booty and wobbly bits checker when shopping for pants.

Pants are PeaceBang's sore distress in life. She simply does the best she can and tries very hard not to hike her trousers to just under her bosom. They go around the waist, you know. If you can't find your waist, it may be time to rejoin the health club. And not just so you'll look cuter in your trousers. So that you'll be around to enjoy that retirement on a remote island in Mexico.


Blogger boyinthebands said...

The hardest lesson I learned apropos to trousers is that I was wearing them four inches too small in the waist. It was so bad that my stomach hurt a lot of the time, and enduring red, sore creases along my waist.

Not pretty. Not comfortable.

Exactly three people know my proper waist size: Hubby, my mother (who was prone to buy me pants in the old size) and PeaceBang, my confessor.

The unpleasant collorary is that -- already being "tall" -- I was on the verge of being "big" and ready-to-wear trousers are nearly impossible to find.

That said, I gave up on pleats, per What Not To Wear Best clothes advice ever. No pleats, no cuffs, a preference for darker neutrals and earth-tones, and now I actually look thinner than before.

10:54 PM  
Blogger St. Casserole said...

Boy, I wish all guys would figure out, as you have, that pleats and cuffs don't do a durn thing to slim a larger body.

Peacebang, I'm serious. It's time for you to go national. Your ability to discuss the MAJOR issues of fashion in your gracious and humorous manner is needed nationally.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Quotidian Grace said...

I second St. Cass's motion. A nation of badly dressed religious professionals needs you!

I see it now on TLC: What Not To Wear--The Faithful Version. Starring PeaceBang.

Where do I send my nominations for makeovers? I have a little list....

9:38 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

Can we talk about, in addition to the cardinal sin of showing of one's white gym socks, the sin of exposing the majority of one's THONG?!

I hate seeing women wearing lowrise pants that don't fit, and daily resist the urge to yank visible thongs violently upwards.

On the bus back from Union Station after GA, there was a gaggle of, for lack of a better term, yuppies on their way home from work, all dressed to the nines, and all showing off that three inches or so of designer thong. Yuck.

10:34 PM  
Blogger PeaceBang said...

Jess, Jesus wept.
Honestly! Didn't the thong thing go out with Monica Lewinsky? EWww!

But hey, I can't write about it until you catch a minister doing it. And then, honey, you will HEAR ME!

10:37 PM  
Blogger dame olympia's page said...

I believe the term for that piece of thong behavior is:

Whale Tail.

I second and third the EEEEWWWWWWW.

Dame O.

1:21 AM  

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