Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Worshiping the Golden Caftan


Worshiping the Golden Caftan
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

Remember when Amy Irving was a beautiful, famous actress and married to Steven Spielberg? And then he went and had an affair with the totally untalented KATE CAPSHAW who remains Mrs. Spielberg to this day, leaving Amy to star in films like "Yentl" and to show up at Tom Stoppard's plays wearing gold muu-muus with gold sandals, looking like a kind of blinged-out Hare Krishna?

Of course you do!

And you're looking at that muu-muu* thinking, "Why, that is a very attractive muu-muu. Or caftan. I wonder if I could wear that, and if I did, what would PeaceBang say?"

First of all, I would say that if you must wear a caftan/muu-muu-related garment, make sure it doesn't match your skin like this one does. Why, if I hadn't blinked and looked twice at this photograph, I might have mistaken Miss Irving for a tasteful little object d'art.

Second, if you insist on wearing a caftan/muu-muu, be sure that you have the charisma of an Agnes Moorhead or a Shirley McLaine, or at least Miss Cleo the Psychic. A muu-muu is a look. You must have confidence and verve to rock this look. This is not a professional look. This is a "I-don't-care-that-I-look-to-most-people-like-a-wacky-New-Age-type-bliss-ninny" look."
This is a look that someone can get away with after they are an established spiritual leader.

Third, have fabulous hair and face when you wear this type of garment, or you'll just look like a big column of fabric.

Finally, long, flowy garbs are not necesarily flattering to large and lumpy figures. As PeaceBang can tell you from personal experience, a large lumpy figure under loose fabric looks terrific while you're standing still, but the moment you move, the gig is up. If it's camoflauging a plump physique that you're after, structured garments like blazers and more fitted skirts (with appropriately constraining undergarments underneath) will work much better.

* I know we've talked about these garments before and that sometimes they're saris and sometimes they're kirtas (is that a word? Did I remember that correctly?), but the truth is, most Americans don't know the difference and will "read" this as a caftan/muu-muuish garment. Which they will associate with a sense of vague ethnicity and/or spirituality. And with the 60's,70's and 80's, I'm afraid.

Celebrity photo, as always, courtesy of Jessica and Heather at GoFugYourself.com.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Berrysmom said...

And the poor thing, not only did she lose her husband, but she seems to have lost both hand, too!

5:48 PM  
Anonymous MizDarwin said...

As Jean Kerr once wrote, "I can't wear beige because I *am* beige." If only more people heeded her wisdom.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Earthbound Spirit said...

Best advice my art school daughter ever gave me: "Don't buy the beige sweater, Mom. It makes you disappear." I haven't bought anything beige(ish) intended to be worn next to my face since...

7:19 PM  
Anonymous kjr said...

A question: Is there a difference between what chunky tall gals wear well, versus those who are shorter and plump --- ie. something that would emphasize height and take attention away from girth? Can we get away with longer skirts?

7:56 PM  
Blogger PeaceBang said...

KJ, I think taller gals can wear either a longer jacket or a longer skirt, probably not both. I've always thought that tall, big women look particularly good in a monochromatic look (which just seems to make shorter plumpsters look like a meatball). Large, tall gals should make sure that their accessories are BOLD. No little necklaces and earrings and tiny belts.

A taller woman looks much better in a longer skirt than a shortie, but ideally that skirt should still have a bit of shape.

8:35 PM  
Blogger Troy said...

I'm with you. Nobody wore a caftan like Agnes Moorehead. I don't know that there is currently a 21st century celebrity who could pull it off. It takes just the right mix of wisdom, attitude and bone structure. If Judy Dench were a little taller she could do it.

8:34 PM  

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