I want you to take a deep breath with me and have faith that you will be your most beautiful, polished, gorgeous self as soon as it cools off a bit and you're not simply trying to avoid becoming one big ball of perspiration by noon!
First, you have to buy a lot of fashion magazines like Vogue
, and Lucky
("The Magazine About Shopping") and spend some time with them while you sit and get a pedicure.
As soon as you've intently studied the photos, I want you to throw those fashion magazines across the room with all the force you've got in your dominant arm and cry gaily, "What a pile of sheer crap they're showing this year!! I looked like hell in that garbage in the early 1980's when it was
the early 1980's! Why on God's earth would I repeat those mistakes, so much older and wiser am I!"
And you are
, sweetpeas, you are!!
You ARE so much older and wiser!
So PeaceBang is going to tell you what not to even CONSIDER purchasing this coming season.PeaceBang's Top Ten Incredibly Fashionable Items From the Fall 2006 Season That You Do Not Have To Own:
1. Super cropped jackets that cut you off at the bazoom.
2. Anything even remotely resembling knickers.
3. Leggings to wear under dresses. No. Do not fight me on this. We are religious leaders. We are not elementary school art teachers who can get away with baby doll dresses and leggings and slouchy boots. We can wear them on vacation.
4. Huge, dolman sleeve tops with a waistband around the posterior region.
5. Sleeveless, slope-shoulder sweaters. Let the youngsters
try to look cute in that mess.
6. Cuffed jeans. Very chic. Not for you. Weekends only, and even then only with an insouciant air and cute shoes.
7. Socks with heels. My god, I get the heebie jeebies just saying
8. Extremely tapered "skinny jeans" or pants. Unless you're incredibly tall and leggy and incredibly slim and chic. If not, no tapered trousers
9. Anything a sickly canary yellow or bloody dead mahogany that gives you the complexion of a zombie and highlights every wrinkle and jowl.
10. Bulky knit turtlenecks. Unless you have the neck of a swan and the torso of a ballerina. If not, you're just going to look like an upright mud turtle with no discernible bosom.
11. (Bonus!) White pumps.PeaceBang's Ten Incredibly Fashionable and Classic Items You SHOULD Have For the Fall:
1. A smart, classic bag for papers and your computer. Note that faux leather bags can be cleaned with Mr. Clean Erasers. Clean them. Toss old, raggedy items that aren't leather. Dirty totes are OUT. Give them away. Knapsacks are OUT. Get a shoulder bag already. You're not a student anymore. People shouldn't want to pet you on the head and feed you a bologna sandwich when they see you.
2. One fabulous suit that has been purchased within the past decade and tailored to the body you're in today,
not twenty pounds ago. This is your "ret-to-go" suit for weddings, funerals, ordinations, special appearances, etc.
PeaceBang likes to pair hers with a big silk flower and a triple strand of pearls or, if she's funking it up, a triple strand of turquoise.
3. A few accessories purchased with an eye to the latest fashion. Ex: delicious beads that you've tried on in the store to assure that they look good together (find a great looking young salesclerk and ask her to help you get "the look"), or for guys, an updated watch or cufflinks. Look in magazines for ideas. You should not be wearing accessories from thirty years ago. This is one certain way to date yourself and appear frumpy and out of it. Classic cameos from grandma don't count, of course, as they're always in fashion. Funk up the cameo with something more current, though, or risk looking too schoolmarmish.
4. Women, if you have nice legs, consider adding a pair of elegantly patterned hose to your wardrobe. Nothing too snazzy, but something beautiful to go under a tailored knee-length skirt. They are all the rage right now and one fun way to add a bit of high fashion to your look without making a big investment.
5. A good trench that we discussed earlier. No anoraks or pullover fleece at professional appearances!
6. A delicious scarf in a color that looks great on you. Long enough to wrap around your throat and tuck into the trench. If you live in a warmer climate, it can be silk, and warmer clime guys, you don't need one.
7. A fantastic haircut, received after a serious consultation with a good stylist and a serious consideration of the pros and cons of your current 'do. Men, this goes for you, too. Prepare to own a few hair products to maintain the 'do, and don't tell me you can't manage it. You can. Tell the stylist what your life is like and he or she will style you according to the time you have to mess with it in the morning.
8. Women: a pair of beautiful pumps. Even a 1" heel if you can possibly manage it. If you do nothing else this season to polish your professional image than to get yourself out of the permanent Bierkenstock look, do this.
That goes for you, too, gents. Toss the Crocs! They're hideous and inappropriate!
9. A perfect white blouse in some material that has shape and style to it. Men, you should have one or two pristine dress shirts in your closet, ironed and ready to go with a tie and slacks when you need them. Women, you should have at least one absolutely perfect, fitted white blouse (with a WAIST) to wear with elegant black trousers and interesting accessories. This outfit will save you again and again. Make sure it fits you well, that you can sit comfortably in it and not spill out anywhere, and that you check the rear view for "puppies."
Have the sleeves altered if they're too long, or find a 3/4 length sleeve.
10. Fabulous boots, if you can afford them. Or shine and re-sole the ones you have.
(For a fun, rubber-sole classic boot, I like the "Roby" style at MichelleD.com, $99. Bennetton is showing a lovely leather boot at $179, and Anne Klein has a gorgeous brown boot called "Culhane" with gold hardware detail for $189. For fans of Aerosole, they've got a really neat looking rubber soled black boot, "Ride Line" for $160. Boots are a major investment. If you obtain a classic pair and take care of them, you'll have them for years.) Ladies, if you must wear flats, try to make it a boot. The flats they're showing lately strike me as far too girlish and twee.
11. (Bonus!) A pair of totally flattering, perfectly tailored black trousers with a bit of stretch to them to help keep shape.