Friday, July 21, 2006

Ministry Of Silly Hats

Alternating between cackling wickedly and screaming outright:

After you look at the hats, click on "Return to menu" on the left and read every single one of these take-no-prisoners critiques of bad models and bad vestments from various clergy garb catalogs. You'll be wiping yer eyes in no time.

I don't get all of the British Isles humor and references, but thanks to Scott (BoyInTheBands) for the merriment.

Word of the Day


Also known as "eye lift."
Also known as PeaceBang's birthday present in about five years, because serious eye droopage runs in the family.

Exhibit A:
young betty


Hmmmm. Has Betty had work done even though she swore she never would? Her famously Slavic eyes look great here!

Well, believe you me, the other members of the family (not public domain, so I can't publish their photos) haven't fared nearly as well in the eyelid droopage department.

Mascara No-No's

PeaceBang would NEVER apply mascara in the car:,

but she does keep a tweezer in the little slot next to her left hand for chin touch-ups at stoplights. The light is SO GOOD in the car, you can catch all those nasty little witchy-poo whiskers that might inadvertently frighten one of your parishioners.

PeaceBang read just the other day in "In Touch" magazine (she was poolside, and had just finished a very serious religious book and was treating herself, I swear) that Miss Lindsay Lohan just won't leave the house without eyelash extensions. They're all the rage, and PeaceBang has been longing to try them, but she happens to think that spending $250 on big doe eyes is a bit ridiculous, even for her. Especially when the same effect can be had for $8 falsies from Sephora, for heaven's sake.

Let's not have any of you poking your eyes out in the car, now.

By the way, what are your favorite mascaras? I've been with CoverGirl's Remarkable Washable Waterproof brand (in black noir) for at least ten years now, and I adore it. Always, always with the curled lash beforehand, and Maybelline makes a perfectly good curler for tiny amounts of money. Sonya Kashuk is also good, but apparently Shu Uemura makes the mother of all eyelash curlers. I've never tried it but it would make a good CHRISTMAS PRESENT, hint hint.


A Fedora For Philocrites

PeaceBang knows that she can't single-handedly stem the tide of baseball cap-wearing Americans, but she's going to try.

Baseball caps are inelegant. They are boyish. They are a symbol of the American determination to make every occasion, however special, into a subset of "casual Friday." They are sporty in the obnoxious extreme. They are everything that has gone wrong in American style since mid-century. They are loutish.

That said, certain men look very cute in a well-fitting, old-fashioned cotton baseball cap. They know how to carry themselves, they are otherwise wearing something jaunty and fun, and they wear their hats with a sense of Maurice Chevalier flair.

Those men are very rare, and for that reason, religious leaders should be aware that for most of you, a baseball cap just makes you look unfinished, under-dressed, doofish, and sweaty-haired (because you're going to take the bloody thing off eventually, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?).

PeaceBang's father used to look so handsome as he left home every morning in a fedora and an overcoat to commute into Manhattan for work. At the end of a long day, he still maintained his dignity and elegance in his fedora, even if it was raining or snowing and he felt downright bedraggled.

Please remember that PeaceBang is the granddaughter of a well-loved milliner (if you're from Southern Connecticut, ask grandma about Minette Hats in Norwalk) and she takes hats very seriously.

For this reason, she would rather see this on your heads, gentlemen,
philocrites fedora

than a stinky old baseball cap.

However, you can't just stick a fedora on over anything. There has to be a bit of an outfit under it. If you insist on wearing t-shirts and jeans to work, go ahead and wear a baseball cap or a bandana or whatever else your sloppy little heart desires, and the devil take you. You will have broken PeaceBang's devoted heart!

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Let me make this very simple. Even though I love the UU Enforcer with all my heart, and even though I love his fashion sense and even though I acknowledge that he himself looks really cute in baseball caps, you are NOT TO OBTAIN ONE OF THOSE UU BASEBALL CAPS, DO YOU HEAR ME??
Dear God No

No! No! No!!!

Damnit, no!!

Don't get one for your minister, for the love of all that's decent and good!

As soon as I calm down a little bit and stop spitting and hissing, I'll tell you about walking into a little boutique in Evanston, IL this summer and seeing little rubber "Livestrong" style bracelets for sale that said things like "Apathy," "Death" and "Anxiety." I couldn't help it: I laughed. Couldn't we have seen those coming?


Loehmann's Is Kind Of The Holy Land

Darling dears,

An alert reader just informed me of the fact that there is a LOEHMANN'S in Massachusetts! Just an hour away!!
(Warning: it's a very irritating website)

If you're a bargain hunter who's after classic looks and gorgeous designer options cheap, cheap, cheap, hie thee to Loehmann's. You will have such fun shopping there, and you'll come away with fabulous bargains.

When PeaceBang was a little girl, her aunts and uncles would come visit, drop their bags in the guest room, stop in the kitchen for a short chit-chat and a bit of nosh, and head straight to Loehmann's for armloads of cashmere sweaters and designer deals.

PeaceBang's family had plenty of money, believe me, but why just throw it away when you can get such steals at Loehmann's?
(Can you hear the New York Jewish accent creeping in as I say that? I can't help it! I come by it honestly!)

PeaceBang is especially thrilled because for the past three weeks or so, she's been hearing SisterBang just gush on and on about the fabulous bargains she's picked up at Loehmann's (the old store in CT where I was born), and honestly, PB was getting to the point of wanting to stuff a cashmere sweater in her dear sister's mouth. Now when SisterBang starts in on the absolutely darling items she got at Loehmann's, PeaceBang can say, "I KNOW! I got something EVEN BETTER for even LESS just TODAY!"

Hear that, Miss SisterBang? Prepare yourself to be bored by MY tales of Loehmann's bargains! HA! Now pass the chicken liver. I want to have a little nosh before I head out.

Beautiful Coach Bag For Sale

Friends, this is the Coach armpit warmer that my friend L'il Flava received for graduation. It retails at $170 and she'd like to get about $100 for it:

armpit warmer

If you buy it, PeaceBang will throw in her signature lipstick (CoverGirl Outlast All Day Lipstick in Nude) and a personal hand-written note of thanks.

You know you want it!
Leave a comment if you're interested.

Older and Better

William H. Macy is a funny-looking guy. But here's the thing, and you're not imagining it: he's getting downright hot lately.

His hair is cute. His face is adorable. He looks happy. He dresses beautifully. He's talented. He seems like a good guy. He's been married to the same (wonderfully talented) woman for a long time.


It can happen, funny-looking guys. Hard work, talent, a ready smile, talent, intelligence and loyalty are damned attractive traits. That, a good stylist and getting out the iron once in awhile.

Some of us do get better- way better- with age.

Bill and Bai

Please don't hold the fact that William H. Macy is touching Bai Ling in this photo against him. He is in show business, which sometimes requires that you be photographed with bizarre life forms like Bai Ling.

Thanks to Heather at Go Fug Yourself for the second photo, and for making me laugh really, really hard in her analysis of it at

Summer Survival Tips

It's bloody hot out, isn't it?

So PeaceBang changes her skincare and haircare regime a bit, and her make-up, and encourages you to do the same.

Skin gets exfoliated more often -- gently -- to slough off dead skin baked by the sun. I use the Stone Crop Masque for sensitive skin by Eminence, which is organic, expensive and delicious:

We do not go out of doors without SPF 30 on the face, and I've switched to a water-resistant brand that even protected my face while I was lolling for hours in mom's pool:

As for make-up, I brush some brightening powder on my lids, slick a thin line of black eyeliner on the top lid, curl lashes and apply water-resistant mascara (not on the bottom lashes if its too humid and I'll be sweating there), and apply some ravishing sexy red lipstick (Dragon by Chanel) that I could NEVER get away with in the paler months. But since my skin is darker, it just looks rich and lovely and shiny.

If I have nowhere in particular to go, it's just mascara and sheer lipgloss.

If you color your hair (and who doesn't?), make sure to protect it with a hat whenever possible, and deep-condition it regularly. I like a $5 conditioner from Fructis that comes in a little green plastic container. It smells good, you slop it on and cover your noggin with a plastic shower cap, take your shower, and rinse it off in three minutes. It makes your hair limp and shiny, but don't fret: go with the flat. Tie a scarf around it or put in some mature, elegant barrettes. Your hair needs a break from the hairdryer and all the volume-building products.

MotherBang, who is retired but still has a glamorous life as a chanteuse, protects her colored hair from the sun with this Redken product:

If you're seeing more breakouts on your forehead lately, try wearing your hair off your face with a scarf or headband (but nothing too Alice-In-Wonderlandy, please, ladies). Fellas, your products could be causing breakouts on the forehead or around the edge of the face. Lay off the pomade for a few days and make sure to follow your face washing with a nice toner of something like Witch Hazel if you don't feel like springing for the expensive stuff.

If you have oily skin and feel slick by 2:00 in the afternoon, for heaven's sake wash your face again. Especially if you're going to be out and about visiting. When people see themselves in their pastor's face, it should in the metaphorical sense only.

PeaceBang and MotherBang recommend:

Eminence StoneCrop Masque
Murad Pomegranate Face and Body Sunblock SPF 30
Garnier Fructis Deep Conditioner
Redken UV Rescue Daily Sun Milk Leave-In
Witch Hazel (used sparingly around the periphery of the face to combat summer break-outs)

Judy Inspires Me

Judy, who is a very beautiful woman who owns a ring that I have coveted for years, wrote me a little mash note that reminded me of this IDEAR that I have

(please don't say "IDEAR" -- or is that a regional dialect issue about which I should be more tolerant?)

Anyway, this IDEAR is that some of you might write to me with a photo or two and get an on-line consultation that everyone could learn from.

THAT's fun, isn't it?

If you want to participate -- and you shall remain nameless -- send me a photo and some stats (where you live, what kind of ministry or religious leadership you are engaged in, anything else you think I should know) to lunadiva@msn.con. We'll do one or two at a time.

Also, precious darlings, if you have a specific question for PeaceBang, would you be so kind as to send me an e-mail if you'd like to see a post about it? Because it's awfully hard to find all of those questions embedded in the comments sections.

Thanks ever. Kiss, kiss.