MM-mmm, Those Microfiber Blazers Look GOOD

Jos. A. Banks is having a sale!!

http://www.josbank.com/IWCatSectionView.process?IWAction=Load&Merchant_Id=1&Section_Id=14962

Run, run! These are more than half off, and they have that soft sued-y feel that's snappy but not corporate:

How To Dress For An EVENT

Darling and faithful ones!

I attended an EVENT yesterday at Andover-Newton Theological School, and was very happy to see that some religious people understand what it means to dress for an Event.

How can you tell when something is an Event, and not merely, say, A Meeting, a Gathering, or a Shindig?

Here's one easy hint: if there is a keynote speaker who is the president of an entire denomination and you had to R.S.V.P. for dinner, it's an EVENT. If there are two speakers who are presidents of entire denominations, did you even have to ask if this is an EVENT? Seminarians, if there are people in attendance who might have the slightest influence on your ability to get a job in ministry, consider it an EVENT even if it just feels like a confab.

An EVENT requires structured clothing.

This means that there should be no sweatshirts, no polar fleeces, no elastic waistbands in the pants, no all-cotton ensembles suitable for the gym. This is not a weekend spiritual retreat, you will not be walking the labyrinth later.

I SAW ONE WOMAN WEARING A NICE OUTFIT AND WHITE GYM NIKES.

This is so wrong. Even if you have weak ankles, you can buy black sneakers or some other foot-friendly shoes. PeaceBang just about had to be held back from ripping those glaring white gym shoes off those pantyhosed feet.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER WEAR SNEAKERS WITH PANTYHOSE!!

You know, I don't think I was able to feel until just now how upsetting that vision was. Thank you for being there so I could fully experience the pain.

Ladies, please do check for cleavage issues when you're dressing up. One earnest person of the larger-breasted species was wearing an outfit that clearly had a lot of effort behind it but when she sat down, one could see her entire mammary situation. This is not good; especially not when paired with a skirt that's just a bit too short. The moral of this story is, sit down and lean forward in the mirror before you leave the house. PeaceBang, who is of abundant bazoomage herself, has many a time learned too late that the shirt that worked so appropriately while standing up becomes a festival of inappropriate sharing when seated. Take care, lovelies. This can be a problem for smaller-chested gals, too. Take the time to check it out.

If you're confused about how to dress for an Event, a few guidelines:

1. Men and male-identified: nice pants of whatever level dressiness you like and a sports coat. The tie is up to you. If you want to look like a contender, a tie is a necessity. Look around you: are the speakers wearing ties? Would you like to be invited to be a speaker someday? If the answer is yes, put the noose on, baby. If you're sitting in the back row and are just there for fun and you're settled with a good job and you're known to be an affable, cool dude, wear whatever you bloody please. People will be glad to see you. If you're a new papa, you can even wear spittle-encrusted garments. It will just look charming.

2. Ladies and female-identified: The creative options are endless! Nubby sweaters and longish skirts, nice trousers and blouses, skirt and blazer. A bit of make-up and put-together hair. PeaceBang saw so many wild split ends last night she's going to have to post separately on that issue. Some jewelry that wasn't made by your kindergartner (that's fine for everyday, but not for an evening EVENT). Spruce up. Make an impression.

Cheap Knock-Offs

PeaceBang is always on the prowl to look for the latest style trends that might just be possible for a clergyperson to adapt for their own use. She believes that while we shan't be slaves to fashion, it's important not to look like we just stepped out of a Time Machine set to 1991.

There are three trends happening right now that cause PeaceBang some concern, and for this specific reason: while some trends look glamorous and fantabulous in expensive form, they translate as horrid and tacky by the time they get to us working clergypersons in the form known as "affordable retail."

Three cases in point: the color gold, the military look, and the animal-print trend.

Let's take them one at a time.

1. The color gold is just gorgeous when it appears in, say, a drapey, Grecian goddess dress by Galliano worn on the red carpet by Keira Knightly (who seriously needs to eat a cheeseburger). The color gold looks smashing on toffee-skinned Hollywood beauties who have professional make-up stylists to create just the right smoky, bronzey eyeshadow and blush for them so that they're not washed out by the color.

By the time gold garments get to you and me, it's cheap, thready stuff that has far more yellow in it than deep, rich metallic depth. Wearing gold retail is just like sending out an invitation that says, "Welcome to My Sallow Skin!"
If you can afford Chanel gold, by all means rock it. If not, DO NOT TRUST THE GOLD. Leave it for the perma-tan starlets. Even if you have chocolatey or caffe latte skin, gold fabrics at the retail level have a well-earned rep for looking cheap. Be careful, be choosy!

2. Military fashion is very big right now: big brass buttons on everything, epaulettes on the shoulder (and I refuse to look up the spelling of that word -- I'm a minister, not a general), short, structured jackets ("Doctor, I've been having terrible flashbacks to the "Thriller" era! Is there something I could be taking?"), combat boots.

Not only is this look super tackeroo by the time it makes it to the retail racks, what is a messenger of God's peace doing in a military jacket? Again, be careful what you're projecting in your attire, darlings! A little sailor pea coat is one thing. A full length front-button, high-collared trench that makes you look like you're on your way out to inspect the troops ain't no way for a peace-monger to look. Avoid the military trend.

3. Animal prints are luxe and fun when they're done well. And I said animal PRINTS, not actual animal FUR (unless it's lying in bed with your cat wrapped around your neck).
Animal prints on the level of a Macy's or a Target MIGHT be fun and kicky, but you have to be judicious. A touch at the neck or cuffs can be lovely. A wonderful animal print blouse peeking out from under a suit jacket is a bold, fashionable statement but not if the blouse is garish and the print competes with unpolished, untouched hair and face. If you're doing animal print, at LEAST wear lipstick so we don't lose your features in all the zebra or tiger stripes.

Skirt Lengths

Someone asked just ages ago about skirt lengths for clergy gals.

Not above the knee, dear inquirer.

No matter how young you are or how shapely your gams, not above the knee.
Never above the knee.

Why?

As Mammy says, "It ain't fittin'. It jes' ain't fittin'."

Brown Is The New Black

You may have noticed, beautiful clerics, that brown is everywhere this year. You got yer brown pants, you got your brown shirts, you got yer brown boots, you got yer brown bags and brown sweaters and brown coats!!

Brown! Brown! Brown!

With all this brown around, PeaceBang, a brown-eyed girl, wants to say a few words about this color.

1. Brown can be lush and gorgeous, or brown can be blah. Be careful how you use brown.

Regardez:


This is a lovely brown jacket. Men, I'm sure there's a nifty version of this garment for you somewhere at Macy's or the like. It's a rich brown, like the pelt of a cute animal like a beaver or otter, it has terrific bronze buttons, it's fun. You can throw an interesting, long, nubby scarf around the neck and wear it out anywhere with beautiful jeans and wonderful boots.

But, ah, mira:

The lady, she is so downcast! Por que? Because she did not take PeaceBang's advice to choose luxe brown pieces and she is just looking very blah in her brown sweater. The color is dead, it has no richness to it, and even though she is very pretty and slim and has shiny hair, her complexion and her demeanor are dragging because of this poopy garment.

Brown is fabulous, my darlings! But not all brown is fabulous. Choose it wisely and well, in interesting, rich fabrics that capture light and that don't just mope around like a dried out peach pit on the kitchen counter.

If you have a dull complexion and hair and refuse to wear make-up, avoid the brown. The brown, it will do you and your people no good. The brown, it can be a curse. Or it can be a blessing.

Transitional Seasons = PeaceBang's Personal Hell

I think I made it okay through the last few big church events. I wore pretty skirts and blazers and my hair was acceptable, if not great. A member of my faithful Booger Patrol helped me wipe away some stray Tammi Faye Bakker smeared eyeliner after a funeral on Saturday, and my feet didn't hurt too much in the various cute heels I wore.

Then the weather turned really warm and muggy again, which has me standing in my closet fretting over what to wear. Summer blouses are too white, too cottony and beachy, or just wrong colors for autumn. I always feel good in a blouse or sweater with a blazer, but it's too warm for that. So I'm left with autumny or wintery looking tops that are either too warm or too dark for this Indian summer weather, and I just feel bloated and sweaty and my hair is a wavy nightmare no matter how much product I use in it.

Today I wore a long, straight purple kind of dressy, Indianish print skirt I've had for about six years, with a black tank and black v-necked cardigan over it. I wore black Bandolino wedge sandals and a prayer wheel on a long silver chain. It worked fine for a Chamber of Commerce lunch but was too uncomfortable for class, and I noticed that the skirt is getting a little bit SNUG. Augh!

When you're a chunky gal, it's all about layers, and it's just too warm for layers right now. I wore a striped, short-sleeved empire waist blouse to the board meeting tonight, with black pants and black flats. I forgot to take my hair down from a big, sloppy stupid hairclip I wear when I'm cooking, so rather than show up looking like Mad Hair Woman of Borneo, I tried to neaten it up and kept the clip in.

I hate transitional seasons. When it's this warm I just want to be knocking around in shorts and a t-shirt. Blah.

Land's End Tees

Bon giorno, my beauties,

Land's End (www.landsend.com) seems to have a nice selection of very affordable supima cotton t-shirts that have a handsomely fitted neckline that won't cause inadvertent boobage, and they claim they're treated for color-fastness. At $19 a shot, sounds good to me.
I'll buy two in black (one snug, one a size up), one in navy, and one in white, I'm thinking. I'll wear those under blazers.

I'll probably purchase one or two v-necks also, for working out in.

In other exciting news, I am getting a make-over with LAURA MERCIER's OWN MAKE-UP ARTISTS ON NOV. 1ST! As ever, I do it for you. If they make me look like I just escaped from a bus-and-truck company of "Marat/Sade," I do it for you. If they send me out the door with heroin-chic cheeks and Lily Munster lips, I do it for you. As long as there's such a thing as facial cleanser and I can get home without anyone seeing me, I do it for you.


I wore peep-toe wedges to a funeral today, and I think they were appropriately sober with my robe. I wanted to look cute for the deceased, who was a fashion merchandising goddess and who I knew wouldn't want me to be traditional. Former Governor Michel Dukakis was there with Kitty. An elegant couple indeed.